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Hi, I'm Fi and I'll be your host today. Joining me will be [livejournal.com profile] culf and [livejournal.com profile] m31andy.

Today, we will be viewing The Devil's Whore, and subjecting it to high-level intellectual critique, including in-depth analysis of the various historical aspects, the artistic techniques employed in the creation, the setting, the script and, of course, the performances.


What? WHAT? Anyone would think we were holing up on a manky day with lots of booze, the promise of pizza later on and four hours of John Simm and his man pain.

3:20pm. Okay, Andy has arrived, waiting on Culf.

4:10pm: Culf is en route, so we'll be beginning shortly. Andy and I both have cider, mine in a hugely authentic aluminium tankard...

4:23pm: And we are all set. Time to hit play.

Episode 1

Fi: I'm pretty sure that the Virgin Mary wouldn't tell her mum to go to a nunnery.
Culf: Father Jacob wouldn't.
Fi: How many people in this house fancy Martin Shaw?
Culf & Andy: *raise hands*

(Devil appears)
Andy: NICE tongue!

(Charles I appears)
Mr Fi: No man with that moustache can be allowed to live.
Andy: I'm more worried about the chin hair.

Culf complains about the ongoing lack of Rupert after Ep I.

(Honest John gets flogged)
Fi: What every bride needs on her wedding day.
Andy: Public fucking and a bit of bondage?

(Sexby appears)
Fi: Man pain approaches!
Mr Fi: Since when has Spitalfields been on top of a hill?
Culf: So I can drool at Sexby and not be reprimanded?
Everyone: YES!

Andy: My problem is that with that beard, he looks like my dad, and that's Just Wrong.
Culf is in emotional pain of a photo of Phil G dressed like her dad.

Thankfully none of them look like my dad.

Fi: *interrupts conversation to point out rent boy action between Sexby and Rupert*

(Rupert: Come to me later, there is a service you can perform for me)
Mass giggles.
Andy: There is no way you can take that any other way.
Mr Fi: *complains that Sexby has a Lee Van Cleef thing going on*

Culf: *reckons Elizabeth Lilburne is prettier than Angelica*
Andy: Yeah, but everyone needs a damn good wash.

*discussion of garter-tossing and Sexby subsequently mugging for them.*
Culf: That's panty sniffing, that is.

Culf: You're such a perv.
Fi: Sexby or us?
Andy: OH! I thought that "I will have them both" meant the husband and wife, not the garters!

Fi: *didn't realise that Sexby gave a garter to Rupert*
Andy: That really was a small service.

Sexby sniffs a garter.
Culf: Panty sniffer!

Fi: So basically Rupert gave Sexby to Angelica as a wedding present.
Andy: Yep!
Fi: Damn, why didn't I put that on my wedding list?
Mr Fi: *stays tactfully silent*
Culf: *I'm* not married!

Sexby burns himself on the paper.
Fi: Sexby, you're pathetic!
Mr Fi: He looks like Gollum. "Our friend, the Master is our friend!"

Culf: *tells everyone about her friend who does a really good impersonation of Gollum. Having sex.*
Fi and Andy: *reach for brain bleach*

Fi: Do carts have arses?
Andy: The Renault Megane does.

Andy: I'm surprised that no-one's done a Life on Mars/Devil's Whore crossover.
Culf: How would you do it?
Fi: Edward Sexby gets run over by a cart and wakes up in 1973.
Andy: *goes red laughing*

(Sexby strips)
Fi and Culf: SHUSHHHHH!!!
Andy: Oooh, hairy armpits!
Culf: He's got more muscles since Life on Mars. Has he got more chest hair as well?
Andy: I think that may be dirt.

*discussion of scars on Sexby's back*
Andy: They're not fighting scars.
Fi: Rupert plays a bit strangely.
Andy: Are they fingernail marks or whip marks?
Mr Fi: Flogging marks.
Andy: Mmmmm, blood play!
Fi: *is suspiscious of Mr Fi's knowledge of flogging scars*
Mr Fi: I must retain some secrets.

Harry: Are you a whore, madam?
Fi: That's a nice thing to say to your wife!
Mr Fi: Is it? *looks innocent*
Andy: Well, yeah.
Harry: What are you at night?
Fi: The snoring, farting lump on the other side of the bed?
Mr Fi: Sounds familiar.
Andy: Sorry, love, it was the curry I had last night.

Sexby sharpens his sword.
Fi: Oooh, phallic polishing!
Culf: We did phallic stabbing at university last week.

Andy: *pedants that the Commons are separated by less than two swords lengths*

Sexby points his sword at the camera and smiles.
Fi and Andy: Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhahahahhhhooooohhh.

Battle of Edge Hill
Mr Fi: Those pikes are a bit flexible.
Fi: *notes that Harry is a bit of a shit rider and nearly came off*

Harry: Where's your honour, Sexby?
Everyone: *sniggers*

Harry: You are under my command.
Culf: Why does everyone treat him like a rent boy?

Harry: *demands garter*
Sexby: Take it from me.

Sexby: *changes colours*
Fi: Hang on, so he goes from a red one to a dark orange one? There was *no* confusion in this battle, was there?
Mr Fi: I think he just got fed up with the Ruperts.

Fi: Rainsborough really is the Grinch, isn't.

Culf: I'm not allowed to marry John Travolta or Daniel Craig.
Fi: Why would you *want* to marry John Travolta?

Fi: *cheers for Angelica riding astride and historical accuracy*

Culf: Why must he (Harry) be such an asshole?
Fi and Mr Fi: Because he's going to die.

Culf: Is it really wrong that the first I heard of Oliver Cromwell from the Monty Python song?

Fi: What *is* that on Harry's lip?
Andy: He looks like he's been sucking on a magic marker.

Culf: Why doesn't she just go and have sex with Sexby?
Fi: Because there'd be no drama?
Andy: But there'd be sex.
Culf (plaintively): They could do porn!

Culf: *confesses to making underage porn this week*

Andy (to Fi): Bugger off.
Fi: Pass the lube.
Andy: Here, have a toblerone.
Fi: *complains*
Andy: It'll melt!
Fi: yeah but there are lumps.
Andy: *chokes on cider* Damn! that went in my eye!

Mr Fi: So Harry gets executed then? Cool!
Andy: Says the pacifist.

Andy: Does Harry have an erection?

Harry dies.

Mr Fi (to Angelica): He was hung like a hamster anyway, dear.

5:40pm Episode Two!!!
Joliff's first appearance.
Fi: I can't get over it being Percy.
Andy: Nor can I.

Fi: And the other guy looks like Mel Smith.
Mr Fi: As Pistol!

Dodgy bloke: No, dear madam, for I am lusty enough! *shuts door*
Fi and Andy: *giggles*

Dodgy bloke: Madam, will you get on your back?
Fi: No, you need to ask Sexby that!

*discussion of Angelica wearing dodgy bloke's clothes*
Culf: Have you seen Sexby's pants?
Fi: No, but I shall study them carefully.
Culf: They're huge!
Andy: See? MC Hammer pants were all the rage in the Civil War!

Fi: Why do we have the comedy Mexican midget in the woods in the middle of the English Civil War?
Mr Fi: The banditos got lost?

Culf: Her hat's a bit big.
Fi: She thought the Lee Van Cleef look was worth going for. She hasn't managed the beard yet?
Andy: How do you know?

Mr Fi (re Sexby): I have to say, he looks uncomfortably like Baldrick.
Everyone: *laughs and moans at the same time* (Fi hits pause.)
Andy: I feel dirty now.
Fi: This would be dramatically improved by the appearance of Edmund Blackadder.
Fi: Oh god, she's Bob!
Andy: *whimpers*
Culf: Do you need a hug?
Andy: I need some brain bleach.
Fi: You've got cider.

Culf: I'm a repressed Norwegian.

Fi: Right, I'm restarting the Adventures of Bob and Baldrick.

Mr Fi: Drilling holes in people's heads and burying them in the peat was a way to pass the time on Saturday nights in Lincolnshire.
Andy: Still is.

Sexby: *tries it on*
Mr Fi: Fancy a shag?
Angelica: I will be no man's whore.
Fi: He wasn't offering to pay you!

Fi: Is there anything ickier in the world than being raped by Percy?
Andy: No.
Culf: Baldrick?

Culf: John Simm playing a character that's slightly crazy? That's new!
Andy: Does he ever worry about being typecast?
Fi: This is new! He's going bald!

Angelica: I must dress in my skirts again.
Sexby: Must you?
Mr Fi: I prefer you as a boy.

Culf: Now she's being a whore because he's paying.
Andy: There's a big difference between swimming and fucking. At least I hope so.

*discussion of Angelica's body*
*discussion of Sexby's stiffy*
Andy: He's dressing to the left!

Andy: Unfortunately I do know that my dad is circumcised.

Fi: Is it just me or is Lilburne's mullet really disturbing?

Sexby: And who is your master?
Culf: John Simm is everyone's master!
Fi: No, he's everyone's bitch.
Culf: Would Simm!Master be Delgado!Master's bitch?
Fi: Simm!Master is everyone's bitch.
Culf: He's not Ten's bitch.
Fi: Yeah, well, he's got standards.

*shot of statue of Virgin Mary*
Andy: Don't. Blink.

Culf: Sexby wants you. Why would you want him?
Fi: Practice.

Fi: Dear Channel 4. I wish to complain. We did not get enough of Edward Sexby in chains and he was fully clothed. This is not right. We demand an hour's broadcast of naked Edward Sexby in chains and suffering man pain. Yours, etc, Outraged of London.

Fi: Hey Rainsborough's got muscles.
Andy: And he doesn't mind she's a bit of a moaner.
Mr Fi: I think Ranter is the correct term.

Culf: I'm imagining the Civil War as being vampires.
Culf: And now I'm imagining them as sparkly vampires.
Fi: And I'm imagining you needing psychiatric help.
Culf: That is even more disturbing coming from you.

Culf: You two are so much more evil than Dak and me.
Andy: Balls.
Culf: We just like to torture John Simm, is that so wrong?

Andy: That's been buggering me. It's Tim McInnery doing Billy Connolly.
Fi: You've been buggered by Tim McInnery doing Billy Connolly.
Andy: Yes!
Mr Fi: *blinks and looks gobsmacked*
Andy: I meant BUGGING!

Culf: Oh, for once I'm not the biggest pervert in the room.
Mr Fi: You've been outclassed by these too.
Fi: Yeah, he's the biggest pervert in the room.
Mr Fi: I hide it well.
Andy: He's got a decent jockstrap then?
Fi: Keep out of my husband's knickers!
Mr Fi: *looks startled*
Fi: He's got a box!
Andy: Yeah, I know, he had trouble finding one that fitted.
Mr Fi: *hides*
Andy: Damn, I'm dribbling now.

Sexby: For great justice.
Fi: For great justice and Lols!
Andy: Damn you! Lolcat Devil's Whore!

Culf: I'm going to recreate the Devil's Whore with my Master and Princess Leia action figures.

Rainsborough: *hesitates*

Mr Fi: She really is the death of husbands, isn't she?
Fi (pointedly): I'm taking notes.

Right, on to episode three and four, which can be found here.


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