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First two episodes can be found here.

In the interval, Andy has said that she likes "good hard acting" and the subsequent hysteria was enough to get us locked outside.

Culf has been cute and evil and menacing, along with meerkats, and we have ordered pizza.

Herewith, episodes three and four.



But first:

Culf: "Not even John Barrowman is as gay as Starsky and Hutch."

Culf: Oh Sexby, bring me the man pain.

Elizabeth Lilburne looks gobsmacked.
Fi: It's an alien!
Mr Fi: I wonder how that got up there!

Charles I's knob falls off his stick.
Andy: His ball's just fallen off!

Fi: How much blood is that woman smeared in? Has she been muff-diving after?
Andy: *whimpers*
Culf: Did you have go to there?

Angelica: Now they can hang me.
Mr Fi: If she looks any crazier, she'll be Angelina Jolie's understudy.

Culf to Andy: You know I'm glad my brain isn't wired the way yours is.

Angelica gets the noose around her neck.
Fi: Yeah, a girl needs the right accessories.
Andy: Is a noose this season?

Andy: That noose is too big.
Fi: Oooh, I can tie a better noose than that!
Mr Fi: I know.

Charles says goodbye to his children.
Culf: couldn't they send him into exile?
Mr Fi: He had a beard and a moustache. He had to die.

Charles walks out onto the scaffold.
Andy: Burn him! Burn him!

Fi: Lovely touch. You can see the two shirts!
Mr Fi: Charles "Two Shirts" Stuart.
Culf: Why is he wearing that cap?

Right, pizza arrived, we hit stop and then ate.

Joliff: Where is the hangman?
Mr Fi: Doing his makeup.

Culf: He's not very good at CPR, is he?
Fi and Andy: It hadn't been invented then.
Andy: He just wanted a snog.

Fi: Is blood a good conditioner?
Andy: No, beer is, blood isn't.

Angelica revives.
Fi: She's not going to give you a blow job right now, Sexby.
*Sexby looks up with an expression of bliss on his face*
Fi: Oh maybe she did.

Freeborn John rants.
Andy: I always thought the comic came before the execution.

Mr Fi: I'm not going to say a word against dominating wives.

Culf: I'd want a peephole just to be a voyeur as well.
Fi: You're weird.
Andy: It's nice to be the normal one compared with you.
Culf: I am not the normal... hang on!

Fi: That is an out of period sidesaddle!

Angelica: Not dead. Gone to Ireland.
Fi: It's the same thing!

Christian sits down.
Fi: He's 70s sleazebag boy, isn't he?
Culf: Why would anyone fall for a 70s sleazebag boy?
Andy: I would.

Digger girl: Christ lay beside me in my bed... He will reign for 10000 years!
Fi: Bukakke Christ!
Culf: You guys are so creepy, it's awful.
Mr Fi: I have to put up with this.

Mr Fi: Oooh, lenticular autocumulus in the background!
Andy: Autocumulus... no, I'm not going there.

Wexford.
Fi: Is that his wife or his boytoy?

Blood on the street.
Fi: That's TARMAC!

Massacre at the Friary.
Fi: Why are the friars in their knickers? And the massacre happened in the Bullring.

Sexby returns to England with a metal hand.
Fi: RoboSexby!
Culf: More like Davros...

Elizabeth Lilburne demands the release of her husband.
Andy: Oh not again!

Lilburne is acquitted.
Culf: Crowd surfing!

Sexby sees Angelica.
Mr Fi (in tones of relief): Oh, he only lost his left hand.

Sexby: Wait. I command.
Fi, Andy and Culf: OOOOOOOOOHHH!
Culf: I think Andy needs a towel.

Various jeering at Angelica talking about Lurve conquering all.
Fi (channelling Angelica): Sexby, get over it, you're balding, pathetic and you have a horrible scar.
Mr Fi: Come on, one of his wrists has detachable, interchangeable parts!

Angelica: I could never love you.
Fi: You kicked the puppy.
Andy: Awwwww.
Mr Fi: So, sympathy shag then?

Silence for the man pain, please.

Fi: Christian is Percy's rent boy!
Culf: He's a bad rent boy - he's got poodle hair!

Sexby man pains.
All the girls: Oooh, oooh, oooh.
Mr Fi: You're dribbling, dear.

Break time.

Michael Palin: If you've seen Sodom and Gomorrah, which my parents took me to as a treat...

Episode Four
Andy and Culf haven't seen this yet.

Fi: *kisses Mr Fi*
Andy: Ewww, het!

Andy goes for more cider. Culf says she's fine.

Fi: You're sober!
Culf: I'm nearly always sober. If I wasn't sober, I'd have an excuse.
Culf: You wouldn't want a rent boy with poodle hair, would you?

Culf: Why would they call it a true account of Angelica Fanshawe?
Fi: Because it's fiction.

Culf: Fornication, yay!
Andy: Not pornication?
Preacher: Female licentiousness.
Fi: Yay!
Mr Fi: One day, maybe I'll encounter it.
Culf: You are so whipped.
Fi: Not enough, it seems.

Culf: Why does the devil have such a long tongue?
Andy: Female licentiousness?

Cromwell: Without a hell, how will I enforce the law?
Fi: With a filing cabinet?
Culf: Can you imagine Gene Hunt meeting Oliver Cromwell and slamming him into a filing cabinet?

Culf: What's licentiousness?
Fi: Shagging.
Culf: So men shouldn't have sex with women, men should have sex with men?

Ranter: This is the body of Christ.
Fi: Looks like roast pork to me.
Andy: Well, it could be the body of Christ. It's not called Long Pig for nothing.

Christian: Is love a sin, madam?
Mr Fi: No, but that tache is.

Culf: Action Sexby.
Fi: fully articulated limbs?
Andy: and other parts.

Mr Fi: 17th century Rohypnol boy!

Christian: Here it is, the genuine resurrection.
Andy: Why, had it been dead?

Mr Fi: The mullet is no more!

Andy's brain has moved to accountancy puns.

Culf: Sexy time now, yes?
Mr Fi: Come on, he's too short!
Culf: I have a short guy kink!

Angelica: Can you love a fool? For I have been that until now.
Fi: Actually I prefer boys.
Mr Fi: Too late.
Sexby grins at exactly the right moment.

Mr Fi: I've been stalking you for eight years. Nothing says love like multiple restraining orders.

Culf: Why have they had the same haircut for the past 11 years?
Fi: They sent all the hairdressers off on the B Ark.

Jailer: No pen and ink for you ever again, Mr Lilburne.
Fi: But how will I write my slash?

Joliff: Ah, the whore is a man again.
Mr Fi: And the man is a corpse.

Joliff: *dies in bath*
Andy: Ewww eww ewww! Not open thighs!

Cromwell: Freeborn John has been broken in pieces.
Mr Fi: He has been my... toy these past few months.

Culf: mourns John.
Fi: He was basically mad by the end.
Mr Fi: Well, he was stuck in a cell with nothing but self-abuse and bricks to hand.
Andy: It'd do me!
Culf: His eyesight must have been very bad by the end.

John is buried.
Angelica looks at a mysterious masked stranger.
Culf: Sexby!
Fi: So much for a master of disguise.

Angelica meets Sexby in the hall.
Sexby: I little thought I should be so turned.
Mr Fi (exasperatedly): You're wearing a dress, Sexby.

Angelica sexs Sexby.
Andy: Ooooh. Ooh. Ooh. Oooh.
Culf: This is the first time Angelica tops, isn't it? Everyone tops John Simm.
Culf: It's fitting that he should bottom for her, though. He is her bitch.

Sexby: Every schoolboy will learn the name Edward Sexby.
Fi: Yeah, but it'll say man bitch, not hero.
Andy: There's not much difference.

Sexby: My ending will not be yours.
Andy: *chokes with laughter*

Fi: They hadn't invented strap-ons back then, had they?
Andy: No, but they had beer bottles.

Cromwell: You ride before me. I recall a time when you rode before me.
Room: *general hilarity*

Culf: Is that it? Only one shag for Sexby?
Andy: It was more than one. He was on and off for a bit. He had to brush up on his targeting skills.

Rest of room: *takes bets on number of underlings killed in assassination attempt*

Sexby puts the gun in his mouth.
Andy and Culf: Bloody hell! *hide*
Andy: Do you have to kill yourself again?
Fi: Yeah, but now we know what he looks like with a large tube stuck in his mouth.

Angelica: weeps on beach.
Mr Fi: My God, you can hear the bells of London from the coast of Oxfordshire!

Angelica: Can you see anything?
Beth: I see leaves and sky.
Mr Fi: And a man with a HUUUUUGE tongue.

Fi: In conclusion, Angelica bought herself a vibrator and the country was restored to peace.
Andy: But she kept on running out of batteries.

Fi: So, did she bury Sexby beside Harry and Thomas?
Andy: Of course! Threesome!
Fi: Isn't it rather creepy?
Andy: Necrophilia!
Mr Fi: She could have a slot on each gravestone for marks out of ten.
Andy: They had to bury Sexby in a Y-shaped coffin, though.
Fi: They really missed a trick though. He should have been called Richard. Then she'd have done Tom, Dick and Harry!

Thank you all very much, I'm [livejournal.com profile] darthfi, and tonight I was joined by [livejournal.com profile] m31andy, [livejournal.com profile] culf and some bloke who is going back into the cellar after all his impudence tonight.

We hope you have enjoyed the True Account of the Life and Man Pain of Edward Sexby as much as we have.

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September 2009

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